Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
