Just fell off a train. Bad.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize