I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
