I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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