it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
