my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
