Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
