If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
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