I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
