I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
