Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
