Ambien. No doubt about it.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
