just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
