You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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