I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
