and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize