It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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