apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
