This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
