I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
