so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
