wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize