how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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