ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
