Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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