How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
