what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I'm really busy with my period
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