Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
