I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
