If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Sext me about skeletons
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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