party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize