I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
