he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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