Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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