Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
