Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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