You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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