I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize