pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
