Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
