Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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