apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
