recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
