I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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