Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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