I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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