his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
That was before I lit my hair on fire
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize