i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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