apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
