I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
