i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize