Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Randomize