she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
