So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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