Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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