I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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