filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
