So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
