dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
