I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
