i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize